Tomorrow we are moving back to my home town. I haven't lived there for fifteen years and have mixed feeling about going back. I want to move and it was a mutual decision. I'm sick of living in the city, I'm sick of the person that I am here and I'm sick of the financial strain that living in the city puts on us.
I don't want Chai to grow up a city child, I want him to grow up in the country, surrounded by nature and by his family. I also want to not have to struggle for money whilst he is growing up. I want him to have a backyard, room to ride his bike and a pet.
Despite all this, part of me feels like I'm taking a step backwards even though I know that's not what I'm doing. I have so much history there. I spent my formative years there. L. iving in the city it's rare that I see someone I know and those people I do see have only known me for a few years. In my home town I see people I've known since I was 7. There's history. They know a lot about me and I about them.
I am not the person I was 15 years ago and no doubt they aren't the person they were when we knew each other and yet when I see these people I remember them as they were and that is who they are to me. I'm sure they feel the same when they see me. When we were there a few weeks ago I saw my ex's wife (at least I assume she's still his wife). I see her and remember the girl in her early 20's who was jealous of our previous relationship so stalked and abused me for a year until I threaten to put a restraining order on her.
See what I mean? I'm sure she isn't like that anymore, she's in her 30's, a mother and I imagine that she's grown up a lot. But to me she's still the nasty, jealous girl who stalked and abused me until I got sick of it. But it's all history and that's what I have to remind myself. Things change, people change.
I'm not sure how I'll react when I see people that I used to know years ago. Do I be friendly or do I pretend not to recognise them? I really have no idea what I'm going to do, I think I'll take it on a case by case basis.
Wish me luck!
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